You know you have a porn problem when…

So last night I was making my rounds of free porn sites when I came across one video whose premise was “public disgrace.” Basically two porn models have sex while ‘regular people’ watch and ogle at them — somehow this is supposed to make it all “Reality Porn” or something. Oh the “disgrace” part was that the woman (of course) was chained or strapped to various things for the duration of the movie. I’m trying to wipe that part from my memory, please don’t bring it up again.

Anyway, what caught my eye was the guy in the thumbnail. As I give this brief description you’ll be able to say it along with me as I type: he was older and wearing glasses and a suit and tie.

Don’t judge.

I fast forwarded through watched this rather disturbing movie (there were boobies and clothespins involved, I’m just sayin’) waiting for something to happen with my guy but apparently he wasn’t um, up to the job. (He tried though, he tried.)

Of course, me being me, I found the site the video clip was from and perused their sordid “membership tour” but was unable to find anything else he was in. By this time it was far too late in the night for me to be thinking rationally, so I emailed the production company and asked if they could give me any information on him. You know, stuff like his name, other films he’s done, shoe size, favorite color, whether or not he likes cats, etc.. I sent screen captures for porn’s sake. Someone. Please tell me this is something a normal person would do.

Lie if you must.

Then, like finding a $20 bill in my coat pocket, this afternoon I received their reply. It said (and I’m more or less quoting) “this site uses a large number of incidental talent. Unfortunately I can honestly say I have no idea who that person is.”

Incidental talent? Ouch.

Anyway, maybe I’ll make a wallpaper for my phone or something.

No pun intended.
Already did.out

Now I see why people don’t answer unknown numbers

I just got this call on my cell phone. I didn’t recognize the phone number but from the 504 area code I could tell it was from New Orleans. At first, I thought it sounded like my brother’s ex wife, Mary. Then, when they said who they were I figured it was my ex co-worker Joan.

Apparently, I know another Joan (or at least another Joan knows me.)

I don’t think I know another Joan.

When she said she didn’t want to “go back” I thought it’d be a good chance to probe for more information, but she just wasn’t having any of that.

Also, I’m not sure but I think they were stoned. Just sayin’.

It went something like this….

Caller: Hello, VIncent?
Me: Yes.
Caller: Do you know who this is?
Me: Mary?
Caller: MARY? No, this is JOAN!
Me: Oh.. hey!
Joan: Yeah, I need to ask you. I need a job.
Me: Um, oh.
Mystery Joan: Things are bad here, how are things down by you?
Me: Oh, I’m in DC now.
Mystery Joan: Oh, DC? How is it there… I found your phone number and thought “I know. I’ll call Vincent!”
Me: It’s pretty good. I like it.
Mystery Joan: (ignoring me)I need a job…

Brief but awkward silence.

Mystery Joan: but I don’t really want to go back though.
Me: Back? Back where?
Mystery Joan: You know where!
Me: Ah.
Mystery Joan: So how are you?
Me: Um, I’m at work.. can we talk later?
Mystery Joan: Ok, bye now.