Kibbeh please

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I’m so desperate for new blog posts I’m now posting pictures of my dinner. DC Cafe.

I need a drink. Or sushi.

Today I had the pleasure of helping a customer who is what I call a “mumbler.” If I ask a mumbler a simple question, like, “what port are you using for your outgoing mail server?” they’ll proceed to mumble nonstop into the phone, informing me of every button they click and the content of every window that pops up. They’ll tell me every port they’ve ever used since they first set up an e-mail account in 1995. They let me know every person that walks in the room and every thought that crosses their mind.

This time, while configuring an iphone’s e-mail settings, the flood of consiousness was suddenly interupted:

Her: “Oh my god! my screen just went blank.”
Me: “The screen is blank?”
Her: “My settings are all gone.”
Me: “They’re gone or the screen is blank?”
Her: “The screen went blank, all white. Totally blacked out.”
Me: “It’s all black or it’s all white?”
Her: “My settings are all gone. They’re all empty.”
Me: “Are the settings all empty or is the screen all blank?”
Her: “It’s all blacked out, they’re empty. I don’t get it. Oh my god. Oh my god.”

Ultimate Pickup Line #103

Saturday night at Omega, sitting at the bar:

Creepy Old Man: “I find you very attractive.”
Me: “Thank you.”
Creepy Old Man: “I like stocky nerdy types with little dicks who like to take it up the ass.”
Me: (…)
Creepy Old Man: (…)

In the past this guy has walked up to me out of the blue and said things like:

Creepy Old Man: “Your English is very good. You speak very clearly.”

and

Creepy Old Man: “It doesn’t matter, but do you have a boyfriend?”

Last year he was talking to me and being his usual old, creepy self so I told him I was there with my boyfriend. He asked who my boyfriend was so I said “him” and pointed in the general direction of my friends Tadd and Keith. I gave them the please save me look and Tadd waved me over towards them. I told Tadd what had happened but Creepy Old Man never came over. Later that night I was talking to someone else and Creepy Old Man walked over and barked at me: “THAT. WAS NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!” He then stomped off to his tomb on the other side of the bar. For months after that, he’d see me out and would say something like “Where is your ‘boyfriend’.. TONIGHT?”, complete with Creepy Airquotes(tm). Other times, like last night, he’ll give no indication that he recognizes me.

It’s hysterical and terrifying at once – like the old Tales From the Crypt series on HBO except in this episode the Crypt Keeper wants to get in my pants.

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