Got your tickets?

Ok, so two weeks have gone by and I’ve been to the gym 8 times. Five nights last week and then every night this week except for last night because they closed early. I have to admit (believe me I never though I would say this — although technically I’m not really saying it, I’m typing it) … I’m starting to look forward to working out.

My big issue with the whole “gym” and “working out” thing is that there is so much contradictory information on the subject available online and magazines. I’m not trying to be Mr. Multiverse, I’m just trying to plan my work outs without crippling myself, but there doesn’t seem to be anything out there general enough for fat people who just want to lose weight. Everything assumes either you’re stupid and expect overnight success and therefore condescendingly barrage you with statistics about how hard it is to lose weight (but yet so simple) or they think everyone wants to be a Olympian. (Obligatory Olympics reference, go USA!)

I’m not letting this discourage me though, I figure as long as nothing hurts in a painful way, it can’t be that bad. lol

Some sites will tell you to do strength training first, some say do cardio first. Some say break your cardio into 10-15 chunks and do strength training between them. Some say eat after you work out, some say don’t. It’s really ridiculous. I do notice that they tend to offer advice that corresponds to whatever ads are on their site.

I’ve been told to perform this equation to get your maximum heart rate: 220 – Age. Mine is 186 beats per minute. (There’s other formulas out there, but using them I get pretty much the same total.) Now, your target heart rate is supposedly between 60-80% of this figure. The lower end of this range burns more fat and the upper end is more for cardio training. I shoot for 110-120 BPM. At the time of writing, this is basically a brisk walk: 3MPH at a 3.5oincline.

I’m guessing that because I’ve been a vegetable for so long my heart rate is high (blood pressure is normal though!) My Resting Heart Rate is 84-87 BPM. Yikes.

I’ve given up on the elliptical machines for the time being because once I add any reasonable amount of resistance, my heart rate skyrockets to 160+BPM and without resistance it’s just annoying to use.

Now, my big issue is that every article in every magazine or website throws around that you should should shoot for 600 calories per treadmill session. At 3MPH/3.5o incline this will take me 4 hours, according to the machines. Fuck that.

So here’s what I’ve been doing, feel free to offer advice. I abandoned all this confusing crap and do what feels right. I walk on the treadmill for about 10 minutes when I first get there to warm up a bit then head to the weight machines and do a few reps on a couple machines, usually sticking to either my upper or lower body each day. I’ll do a machine or two, then go back on the treadmill for a half hour or 45 minutes, then go a few more machines. I’ll stick to arms/back one day and then legs the next. I’ve been mixing them a bit, but generally I’m keeping to that routine. I’m kind of feeling out the place but I’ll be doing more once I get more comfortable. Free weights look fun, but I’m afraig I’ll hit myself in the head or drop them on my foot.. I’ll just watch the cute guys use them for now.

I can say in all honesty that I feel better than I have in months, so I’m using that as my motivation and I’m avoiding scales like they were all vaginas — there’s no way I’m going near the things.

I laugh every time I think of Carlos’s comment that I’d feel like I have polio for two weeks… so true, but it’s kind of nice to actually FEEL some of these muscles in my body for the first time. :)

Don’t worry, I’m not going to turn Q&L into some weird gym diary, but I wanted to let y’all know I’m actually going! :)

A picture is worth 224 pounds

Ok. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Since I don’t feel like blabbering on and on for a thousand words about how I’ve gained over 15 pounds since I’ve moved to DC (really, since I’ve stopped riding my bike and started working again) I’ll simply bring your attention to this photo of me, taken by Jason last week at the New Orleans D-Day Museum’s Sound of Music Sing Along.

I know. Holy shit, right?

I look massive. It’s a bad angle and I’m making a face, etc… but really. REALLY. I think Gina was flagging down another whole Turducken for me to gnaw on during the intermission.

Prior to the visit home I was at a friend house using the facilities and happened upon his bathroom scale. Curiosity got the better of me. I boarded the device, looked down and was bummed to find I weighed 224lbs. 224lbs is exactly 50lbs over my “ideal weight” and the heaviest I’ve been since High School (I was 265lbs). In 1994 I lost 70 pounds on Atkins, back when Atkins was still considered ‘experimental and dangerous’ but I said ‘fuck it’ and was down to 195lbs in 7 months.

Since losing that weight, I’ve shrugged off any weight gain since I had lost so much back then and ‘only gained 10 pounds’ which didn’t seem so bad. 10lbs became 20 and now it’s become 30 and it’s time to do something about it.

Sure, I could go on Atkins again but the last three times I cut out the carbs I wasn’t able to shit for 2 weeks — that’s just not worth it. I need to start riding my bike again, so I’m going to start riding to the Dupont Metro Station and then taking the train to work from there.

Really, I need to join a gym.

The decision was between Gold’s Gym in Rockville, MD and Washington Sports Club in Columbia Heights, DC.

Gold’s Gym, Rockville, MD

One of the big marks in the plus column for Gold’s gym was that it’s two just blocks from my work — I have to pass the damn place three times a day: walking to work from the metro, during lunch, and walking from work back to the metro.

Last week I paid Gold’s Gym a visit and was glad to see lots of other fat people sweating it out on cardio machines; at least I wouldn’t be the only one. :) The gym had tons of studios for classes and spinning rooms and I was VERY excited about joining, until I sat down with the Membership Nazi Counselor. I won’t say names, let’s call him Mr. High Pressure Membership Salesman. Honestly, I thought I was going to walk out the building with keys to a used car, not a gym contract. He’d ask me various obvious questions then cut off my answers with answers of his own, he scribbled half assed notes about everything I said (repeating things back to me in his ‘enthusiastic voice’) all the while making it clear he was thinking more about his commission than anything I was saying.

For instance, he asked me to rate my motivation on a scale of 1 to 10. When I said 8 he wrote this down in the margin and circled it, for no reason. He asked me what the ‘biggest’ I had ever been and I said I was almost 270 in high school but I had gotten down to 194, which was still 20 more than my ‘ideal weight.’ While telling him this, he cut me off, saying “so you want to try to get up to that weight again, huh?” as if my fat ass is Lou Farigno or something.

Look at me. Do I look like I have ever been 270lbs of muscle? Ever?

The other mark in Gold’s favor was the website has this promotion on it: “$0 registration, $49 a month.” So, I say I want that plan. Somehow he started talking how this thing was included and that was free, so after a while he starts slipping things in that AREN’T free, like training sessions, but are apparently required to get that specific membership plan… So anyway, he shows me the price schedule for trainers and classes that I was interested in and it came out to $588 a month.

On top of the $49 membership fee.

Oh, and first and last month’s membership was due at signing. (Liscenceandregistationfeenotincluded)

Yeah, fuck that, right?

So, I ask about the other rate (that doesn’t require you to have personal training sessions) and it’s $169 registration and (I think) $59 a month.

*sigh*

At this point he ‘left me alone to think about my intentions,’ like I was some kid on time out at fat camp, which just pissed me off. Any chance he had of getting me to join was nullified by his arrogant attitude and subtle subterfuge. (For you, alliteration fans.)

If you ever read my blog, Mr. High Pressure Membership Salesman, write this down in the margin of the next person’s application and circle it: get over myself.

Washington Sports Club, Columbia Heights

That was last Tuesday. Last night I stopped by Washington Sports Club to check them out. WSC is about 100 yards from my metro stop and 3 blocks from my house. Keith, the Membership Guy, was very nice and showed me around the gym for about 10 minutes answering the few questions I had about peak times and using other WSC gyms. The facility wasn’t really as snazzy as Golds, but they had the same equipment and it was all just a few months old since they just opened. Just as important, the staff seemed much less like sleazoid gym pimps. After seeing the equipment and the naked man in the locker room I asked what the membership fee was and he said: $88 down. $55 a month. 15 day money back guarantee. $25 if I cancel before my contract is up.

Sold.

So:

Gym membership: Check!
Goofy white tennis shoes: Check!
Sliky shorts: Check!

Fuck. Now I have to go to the gym. :)