My Boil Runneth Over

I wanted to get this out in the open, in case anyone is looking for the magic boil remedy online like I was. I did searches for every combination of the words boil, lesion, abscess, lance, doctor, home, remedy and drain I could think of. Between Wednesday and Friday afternoon I had put everything from onions and garlic to epson salt on the fucker and nothing did anything except make my apartment smell like the kitchen at Mona’s. Campho Phenique did make it open within 2 or three hours, but then I had a painful opening on my back with a quarter of an inch of fatty, thick pus sticking out and oozing randomly through my bandages and shirts.

To you, weary boil covered web-traveler looking for a potion to seal your sore I say this: stop trying to be a hippy and go to the fucking hospital.

I walked in the exam room at Ocshner Hospital, took off my shirt and the cute nurse-man said “Oh my, that’s gonna hurt when I tear that bandage off that hairy back.” I agreed and took a deep breath. RRRRPP. The bandage came off, pulling some hair I’m sure. I glance back and saw him staring at Mount Pusuvious on my back.

Nurse-Man: Oh.
Me: Is that a good “oh” or a bad “oh”?
Nurse-Man: … the doctor will see you in a moment.

A few minutes later the doctor walks in and looks at the third head on my back and says:

Doc: Oh. Do you have anyone that can pick you up in a little while? I’d like to get an IV in you for this.
Vincent: Wha? Um, no. I left work early to come here, no one I know is awake. Can we do it without the IV?
Doc: I guess, it shouldn’t be so bad. I can give you a local.
Vincent: Whew. Ok.

I laid down on my side and after a minute or two it dawns on me what “a local” means.

Vincent: Are you going to stick needles into it?
Doc: Well, if I’m going to get it numb enough to make an incision I will have to.

Here’s where I started to sweat.

All in all it wasn’t so bad. A few pricks all around until I went numb, the hole was opened and drained, the hole was cleaned and packed… it was like an average night for me at Rawhide actually.

That was Sunday morning. I went in this afternoon to get the packing removed and checked by a new, female doctor who was very funny.. she had me laughing the whole time she was causing me pain and discomfort. My favorite part was when she saw the DUCT TAPE that the above Doc used to put my bandage on with. She tugs at the corner and says something about not knowing how she’s going to get it off…. except midway through the sentence she RIPS the tape off, taking off a good chunk of hair (I feel it.. it’s weird.) I scream, of course and ask her if she can give me a shot of whiskey and a bullet to bite on for the next two pieces… in one quick move she sticks a tongue depressor between my teeth and YANKS the other piece off. I was laughing though all those tears, I promise.

She said it was looking pretty good for a hole in my back, but needed to be packed again since it was still draining… I can remove it myself this time and start taking warm salt baths tomorrow.

She used paper tape.