After spending the last few weeks joyously being able to download porn, albeit usually in the cold and rain, my neighbor has finally decided to secure his wi-fi router, thus thwarting the hordes of bandwidth hogs we, his complexmates, are. Last evening I sat in the courtyard with the others and I thought to myself, “Wow, what a beautiful night”

“What a beautiful night to download porn.” I continued to think.

But alas, after finding the connection impossible and after traipsing around my neighborhood for two hours, feverishly re-clcking Refresh Network List I gave up. I found that if I crossed the street and put my laptop on a festering garbage can I was able to log on to a network defaultly named “LinkSys” for about 2 minutes before it disapeared forever, going wherever networks go to mock me throughout the night, knowing I’m left to pleasure myself to stale porn and the few 10 second clips I was able to download before their homophobic weak-assed connection decide enough is enough. Bitches.

So, here I am being a big nerd all by myself in the corner of the Bourbon Pub, feeling all eyes upon me like the weight of a thousand pocket protectors and propeller beenie caps. All staring at me… just KNOWING that I’m on $HOOKUPSITE trying to hookup with some other loser in some other bar when I’m actually trying to download pirated software, surf e-bay for keirin parts and type this entry on my blog. BTW, the beenie cap is just for irony.

Uhg.

Me: looks up from keyboard long enough to order a Diet Coke “with a couple of cherries”
Guy with Ironic T-Shirt: So, you trying to score? Are you on $HOOKUPSITE? I’m BearFisterForYou985723, but the for is the number 4, not spelled out and you is just the letter U.
Me: :eyeroll: No, I’m blogging.
BF4U985723: Oh, that sounds hot. Is that like feltching?
Me: No, I’m typing on my…
Just then the needle on the Scissor Sister’s video scratches and everyone in the bar looks at me like it’s my fault.
Me: …online journal.
BF4U985723: …
Bartender: …
Straight Guy Just Realising He’s In A Gay Bar: … !
Everyone Else: …
Me: Shit.

So, I’m actually trying to finish downloading OpenOffice and ZS4.

PS: It’s just occured to me that The Pub has an incredible shitty connection.