My X-Tube Wishlist

Anyone who knows me or has read through my blog knows my fondness for all things x-tube. Despite my love for the site, there are several things that I think really need to be improved.

NOTE: You can pretty much assume that any links in this post are going to be:
!!! NOT SAFE FOR WORK !!!
(! Unless you work at x-tube !)

  • Separation of video and photo subscriptions. Why does my subscription list have “Unsubscribe” check boxes next to both of someone’s video and their photo feeds if when I select “Unsubscribe” next to just their photos and click “apply” their video subscription is removed as well? That’s just sloppy coding.
  • Bring back animated previews of videos. I liked being able to hover over a thumbnail and see random frames from throughout the video. It’s nice to see if that guy in the suit suddenly becomes naked after he gets fluffed or that “suit” in the title refers to a guy dressed like a hedgehog. (Hey, that’s not the kind of suits that I’m searching for!)
  • Speaking of freaky fetishes, I want filters. These would be used kind of like the opposite of subscriptions in that I would like to define keywords that i never want to see again.

    My top ten, in no particular order:

    1. sounding
    2. farting
    3. wheelchairs
    4. spiderman
    5. Vice Grips (NEW!
    6. wolf costumes
    7. sounding
    8. rain gear
    9. rosebuds
    10. vaginas

    I swear, one day I’m going to see someone dressed as Scooby Doo farting on a woman in a wheelchair wearing a raincoat sticking a metal rod in the penis of some dude dressed as Spiderman with his asshole turned inside out and I’m never going to touch myself again.

  • Chronological listing of subscriptions. The only reason I subscribe to people is so that I’ll know when they upload something new. Why does x-tube still make me scroll through 4 pages of videos from 3 years ago just to find the one new video that’s been posted? I’m already 20 minutes late for work, don’t make me hunt this shit down.
  • Let me view more than 10 pages of new videos. I never did understand this one — I’m a freaking porn addict and I can’t keep up with them all sometimes. I hate getting to that 10th page, knowing there’s more I haven’t seen since I last logged in but for some reason they wont let me go any further.. I’ve even tried changing the 10 to an 11 in the URL, hoping that I’ll find some hidden backdoor to more porn — the brown starfish of blue movies, if you will. But that doesn’t work. No means no.

If I think of anything else I’ll add them. What are some of your gripes about your favorite sites?

hedge

You know you have a porn problem when…

So last night I was making my rounds of free porn sites when I came across one video whose premise was “public disgrace.” Basically two porn models have sex while ‘regular people’ watch and ogle at them — somehow this is supposed to make it all “Reality Porn” or something. Oh the “disgrace” part was that the woman (of course) was chained or strapped to various things for the duration of the movie. I’m trying to wipe that part from my memory, please don’t bring it up again.

Anyway, what caught my eye was the guy in the thumbnail. As I give this brief description you’ll be able to say it along with me as I type: he was older and wearing glasses and a suit and tie.

Don’t judge.

I fast forwarded through watched this rather disturbing movie (there were boobies and clothespins involved, I’m just sayin’) waiting for something to happen with my guy but apparently he wasn’t um, up to the job. (He tried though, he tried.)

Of course, me being me, I found the site the video clip was from and perused their sordid “membership tour” but was unable to find anything else he was in. By this time it was far too late in the night for me to be thinking rationally, so I emailed the production company and asked if they could give me any information on him. You know, stuff like his name, other films he’s done, shoe size, favorite color, whether or not he likes cats, etc.. I sent screen captures for porn’s sake. Someone. Please tell me this is something a normal person would do.

Lie if you must.

Then, like finding a $20 bill in my coat pocket, this afternoon I received their reply. It said (and I’m more or less quoting) “this site uses a large number of incidental talent. Unfortunately I can honestly say I have no idea who that person is.”

Incidental talent? Ouch.

Anyway, maybe I’ll make a wallpaper for my phone or something.

No pun intended.
Already did.out